Saturday, August 23, 2008


Okay okay... I know, I've been away for a long time. Well, to that I say: it's summer. And staying inside sitting on your ass writing blog posts during summertime is idiotic. Therefore, I'm on strike! Okay, just taking a break.

If you have abandonment issues, please rest assured that I will return to blogging full on... eventually. Someday.

In the meantime, I'm trying to channel what meager creative energies I can actually muster into the book I'm writing. Yes, that's right... a book. (It's an amazing technology. You can read it without using any electricity whatsoever!) Of course, just because I'm writing it doesn't mean anybody is necessarily publishing it. But if my legions of blog readers all band together and start a letter-writing campaign, I'm sure we can convince some publishing company hack to buy my nonsense and distribute it to the word-starved masses out there. It can't miss! It's gonna be on the NYT best-seller list so long it's gonna make the Harry Potter books look like they were written on gum wrappers (even the ones that weren't).

Now, I know what you're saying... you're saying, "Oh honey... the masses aren't starved for words. They're starved for candy and pizza." And then you add something about the fact that 3 blog readers don't equal "legions." Yeah yeah.

Well, never you mind what does or does not add up to a legion. Or who is or is not starving and for what. As a back-up plan to the whole book thing, I'm inventing candy pizza. Or pizza-candy. So one way or another, I'm gonna be on Easy Street soon.

I wonder who my neighbors will be down on Easy Street. Well, I guess it depends on whether I'm on East Easy or West Easy. (West. Definitely. Better restaurants. Much more fashionable douchebags. Etc.)

What is this "book" I speak of going to be "about" you ask? Simple: it's a guided tour of all the famous places in New York City where I've ever taken a dump. Genius, right? Don't steal it! Lousy book idea stealers!

Anyway, the book ain't gonna write itself, and there's only so much writing-energy in my body at any given moment, so the blogging will continue to be spotty-at-best for a while. I do apologize. If you don't want to have to keep checking all the time to see if I actually post something new, just do what the most tech-savvy of my legions of readers have done, which is subscribe to the RSS feed that all or blogs automatically, um, have. My friends who do this assure me it is extremely simple. So simple that only a 6-year old can explain the process to you. If you need help, let me know and I'll put you in touch with my niece. She wants to be the little mermaid when she grows up.


microzen said...

I remember a zine when I first went to school in Boston having a review of crappers around town. They were mainly in rock clubs, but some were elsewhere. Always a genius idea.

Mark said...

A better book would be about all the famous people you've taken a dump on. You can even claim to have crapped on Reagan and Pope John Paul II at the same coke-fueled Studio 54 party. They're dead and can't deny it.

Will it be a pop-up book?

Dr. Brainwave said...

I think I'd rather reveal the time Reagan crapped on the Pope. If Macaulay Culkin dies anytime soon, I'll throw him in under Ronnie's drooping ass cheeks too. (And yes, that is an invitation to assassinate Macaulay Culkin.)

A poop-up book. (Or a Pope-up book, as the case may be.)

I'm thinking of calling it "City Dump." Catchy, no?

Mark said...

You should market it as "A coffee table book for the bathroom". I'll want an autographed copy.

You know, back in 1992 or so, I actually had the chance to assassinate Culkin- he lived on the Upper West Side and once he rollerbladed right into me. Your "Fatwa" comes 16 years too late!