Sunday, June 22, 2008


I'm in a phase right now where I refuse to let myself so much as touch anybody I could have an actual relationship with. Not sure why that is. I don't feel like I have the classic dude-symptom of commitment-phobia. In fact, some of the most enjoyable times of my life were when I was in serious relationships. But I seem to be up to something else. So, I'm only going after totally inappropriate women. If you know (and want to fix me up with) any of the following, I'm totally open to meeting...

- Republicans
- Lesbians
- Psychos
- Vacationing Europeans
- Army Privates off to Iraq in two days
- Death-row inmates
- Cute girls with non-communicable terminal illnesses

I feel this is a positive step forward for me. Years ago, I never would've entertained the notion of knowingly putting my dick into a Republican. And I had a golden opportunity at one point.

I was working for MTV Online, doing the website for Choose Or Lose 2000, and we were down in Philadelphia covering the Republican National Convention, wherein George Dubya Bush would receive the formal nomination of the Satanic Party. These days, there's never any actual news at the political conventions, as the nominee is decided well in advance. So it's all just a great big nauseating media clusterfuck for its own sake.

In fact, the biggest story of that entire week was one that we MTV folks had deftly engineered ourselves. Seeing that Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson (a superstar at the time) was making a brief appearance to "endorse" dubya or say something macho to the audience or something, our higher-ups got him to come by our little "booth" in the gigantic media tent, to do a real-time online chat with our audience (fairly "cutting edge" back in 2000).

We totally stole the show that day. The media loves covering itself. The networks didn't even know what the hell MTV was doing in the same tent as them, but then we trumped them all by hijacking all of THEIR resources, forcing them all to train their cameras on us. It was a stroke of evil publicity genius. And complete nonsense, obviously. But you shoulda seen the hundreds of camera guys from every conceivable media outlet in the world clawing over each other to get a clear shot of The Rock and my intern and our little thrown-together booth of hastily purchased Ikea furniture--budget $1026. (Compare that to the million-dollar set-ups that ABC and NBC etc. had created, which nobody was paying any attention to).

After all the smoke cleared, young teenage girls whose daddies were Republican delegates from bland places across this great land, were coming up to me and asking for my autograph. I was like, "you do realize that I'm not a celebrity, right? I mean, I'm not on MTV, I just work there. You understand... work?" They didn't care. They wanted autographs anyway.

Strangely, other media people wanted to interview me. I was quoted in several obscure newspapers, magazines and who knows what else.

And at several points, this smokin' hot blond woman came by our booth to make sure we had everything we needed. I don't remember her name, but she turned out to be something like the Media Liaison for the Republican Party. Throughout the week, she'd periodically make the rounds to all the media booths, doing her job obviously, but whenever she came by our booth, she'd linger for no reason, just sort of hanging out. She got pretty flirty with me several times, but after the huge "live chat event with The Rock" she became even more forward with me, inviting me for drinks repeatedly and talking about how nice her hotel room was, etc.

At the time, the fact that she wasn't merely voting Republican but actually serving the party turned my stomach so much that I seriously doubted her hotness (considerable hotness) could've outweighed her inner festering-death-rot and enabled me to achieve an erection. So I just kept politely turning her down, claiming that I had too much work to do, etc.

Now I seriously regret not having boned her.

If I'd known that her evil monkey was going to end up in the White House, I might've accepted her invitations, just to get her to beg me to do nasty things to her. And then do them. And then never see her again.

So, right, if you know any hot Aryan Republican chicks who need to work out feelings of guilt and self-loathing over what their idiot war-pig leaders have done to our country and the world for the last 8 years, and who think it might bring some relief to be sexually punished and humiliated by a skinny leftist jew-boy for a day or two, you let me know.


Twin C said...

Where's my shout out? :)

Dr. Brainwave said...

Oh right! This post grew out of an email I wrote to Twin C. So he gets an assist on the play. Thanks Twin C!