Everybody loves TV, and I work in TV, so it's my responsibility to make TV better every day (the bestest job in the world!)! Yay! So here are some ideas for new TV shows I wanna pitch to y'all...
1. America's Homeless Got Talent!
We round up homeless people from all over the country and pit them against each other to see who has the most entertaining way of begging for change. The winner gets a handful of change.
2. Celebrity Fisting
Ryan Seacrest hosts as audience members vote on which famous celebrity they'd rather see get a fist up the ass. The chosen celeb is brought into the studio, stripped and bent over a table. A bucket of a white viscous lubricant rises up through the stage on a pedestal. Seacrest coats his fist and you know the rest! (Sponsored by Crisco.)
NOTE: It has come to my attention, that celebrity fisting has already been done. So, keeping in the celebrity vein, I'll propose a new show:
2a. Dick Cheney's Hollywood Round-Up!
Dick Cheney and his band of Merry Mercenaries kidnap some of your favorite celebrities, and bring them to Cheney's secret island compound. Upon arrival, their black hoods are removed to reveal that they're seated at a table in large Medieval-looking banquet hall. Cheney enters and explains the rules of the game to his guests over an opulent meal of rare meats (both in the sense of lightly cooked and endangered). After a good night's rest, the celebrities are released into the wilds of the island, given a 1-hour headstart, after which Cheney sets out in pursuit, hunting and killing them one by one. (Alternate title: "Dick Cheney's Blood Island")
3. Whose Blood Is It?
Contestants are brought to Iraq, shown a patch of dried blood somewhere, and are given points if they can guess if it came from a dead American or a dead Iraqi. If Iraqi, extra points awarded if they can guess other distinctions, like Sunni or Shiite, civilian or insurgent, man or woman, adult or child, etc.
4. Politician or Convicted Rapist?
Contestants are given a set of facts about a person and have to decide whether they describe a sitting Politician or a Convicted Rapist.
5. Where in the World Should We Send Troops?
6. Beer X-Games
Remember the scene from "Revenge of the Nerds" where they had to ride a tricycle around a track drinking a beer after every lap? Just like that only with motocross jumping.
7. Who Wants to Marry the Cult Leader?
8. Donald Trump Ate My Baby!
Each week, a different celebrity chef prepares two dinners and places them in front of Donald Trump. One is made from typical ingredients, but the other is made from a dead human baby. Contestants wager on which dish Trump will like more/finish first.
9. Drinking with the Stars
10. Hillbilly Dance-off!
11. Hillbilly Dance-off: Extreme!!
Just like Hillbilly Dance-off, only more-so.
12. Firing Squad!
Various people are placed in front of a firing squad.
13. Bitch, Bitch, Bitch
We place a chronic complainer in a small windowless room with a steroid freak, a psycho-cop, a club owner deprived of his cigarettes, and a female drill-sergeant on her period. Contestants bet on who will snap first.
14. Battle of the Major Religions
15. Pave it Over!
Two different small towns are chosen to compete against each other, justifying their right to continue to exist. At the end of the hour, the audience votes and the winning town gets its own new Wal*Mart superstore. The losing town is leveled and turned into a landfill site for the garbage of the winning town. The displaced residents of the losing town, must live and work in the winning town's Wal*Mart. (Sponsored by Wal*Mart.)
16. Name Those Tits
Audience members are shown pairs of breasts and have to determine which celebrity they belong to.
17. Drunken Firing Squad!
Just like "Firing Squad" except with dangerously intoxicated riflemen.
18. Torture the Retard
Everybody's favorite school-yard pastime gets a slick network make-over for prime-time! Self-explanatory.
19. Torture the Retard: Extreme!!
Just like "Torture the Retard" except led by high-level officials in the Bush Administration.
(We fully expect these last two shows to be so popular that they'll launch two entire sub-genres of TV: Torture shows, and Retard shows.)
19a. Torture the Emo boy
19b. Dancing with the Retards
19c. The Magic Retard!
Tom Hanks in the title role -- a retard who saves lives and somehow manages to be at every major world event.
20. Drunken Firing Squad: Extreme!!
21. Hillbilly Dance-off: Extreme!! Special "Dang-it" Edition
22. I Dare You to Lick It
Blindfolded contestants compete by licking increasingly challenging unknown (to them) substances, surfaces, etc. The last one not to vomit wins a prize.
23. You and What Army?
Two average joes are each given command of a small contingent of soldiers from a different one of the world's armed forces. Both groups enter the Australian Outback. One group emerges victorious.
24. Binge 'N' Purge!
Two contestants eat, and then vomit, as much food as possible within 24 hours. At the end of the 24 hours, the vomit is weighed and a winner is declared.
25. Hiding Things In Anus Game (originally from Japan)
Contestants each pick an impoverished region of the third world and compete to see who can raise its overall standard of living the most by giving large sums of money to whichever one person already has the most money in the region.
28. Name That Turd
Contestants attempt to identify various types of animal feces, using one, two, or even all five of their senses!
29. Celebrity Name That Turd
29. Shoot the Freak
Inspired by the popular Coney Island boardwalk attraction. With real bullets.
30. Paternity Test!
31. Drink! The! KOOL-AID!
How good are you? If you're good, you might get to Drink... the... Kool-aid! If you're bad, you might have to Drink... the... Kool-aid! (Sponsored by Kool-aid.)